Ben Gibbard

I once knew a girl. She told me that Ben Gibbard was perfect husband material; things like that made me like her so much. She also once told me that there was "a 98.9% chance that [she] could be in love with [me]", so,obviously anything I may have been told is subject to, at the very least, severe scrutiny. This isn't a bash-blog. This isnt the entry where he finally lets it loose. This isnt an attack on my most recent source of intense happiness which, coincedentally, is also my most recent source of sorrow. The story that I can tell is that I met a kind young lady and decided rather quickly that I liked her. I hit on her relentlessly for at least a week before I noticed any degree of success. After she indicated that she shared at least a small amount of interest I began to prepare myself for a relationship and grew elated at the thought of the young lady. At some point after I spent an evening carrying her drunken frame across a rain-soaked golf course while wearing only a bathing suit designed to fit roughly half of me, she decided she wasnt down for the relationship thing. I didnt handle that in the best way I guess. I turned to some friends of mine for advice on how to deal and I managed to simultaneously ignore the good advice (Sorry Dan) and accept the shitty advice with open arms ( I should be given a massive monetary reward for having not confronted the person who provided me with the afforementioned poor advice. I do not hate you, but you have narrowly escaped at least a dozen text messages informing you of my total and sincere regret for having ever asked you). After this whole me not handling things well period ran its course for ...o...i dont know....21 days...exactly, the young lady informed me that she had moved on. At the time of this posting I do not know the state of her and her male interest and I shall not assume that they are dating nor will I assume that they are no longer together. Her telling me that she had moved on was a supremely kind thing for her to do, and was what I had asked her to do, so for that I hold only respect. In truth, the young lady did very little that I can find fault in. She was kind to me at most possible junctures and was careful to not lie to me. I have dealt with the situation since her announcement by deriving two key facts from amidst all the emotional wreckage.

1. I got too excited too fast. This marks at least the 4th time I have done that with similar results. So, maybe I should work on that. I set myself up for the breakdown and comforted myself all the while by saying that this situation, this girl, was different. However true that may have been, I was the same...and I should have known better than to think ...to know , that the relationship would work out for me.

2. The 98.9% chance she predicted for a big beautiful bouncy blossom of love appearing between us was pretty much a big ole sack of baby back bullshit. Im certain she didnt feed me that line to hurt me, or even to manipulate me, she said it for, I believe, two reasons. She knew it would make me happy, and she likes that thought of love. At that point in our relationship, she was saying it to convince herself that she even had feelings for me, sadly, it affected me in a girl-esque ridiculous way. 

So here I am. I'm looking back at this, so it least from a verb tense point of view I have moved on a bit. I smile and have fun and what not...so I have retained human function. I also learned that Facebook actually has a function that allows you to stop all updates on a specific person from appearing on your mini-feed. I took advantage of that...and then I used it on all her friends...and then pretty much every person who I had seen on her campus or in her hometown. ( Nate, I havent seen any news about you in months...call sometime) I'm still dealing with the whole "she's got a new guy" thing, but it is so incredibly easier to deal with it by telling myself that she was never really mine to begin with. The fact that my selfish ass can even accept that blows my mind.

Inevitably, this entry will reflect poorly on my ability to deal with stress, girls, relationships, emotions, AIM buddy lists, Facebook preferences, and general existence, but I feel like this is a major part of that all-important catharsis that I'm looking for with this blog. So, thanks to everyone who has said they enjoyed my blogs....you found an incredible way to get me to talk about personal things on a globally accessible medium.

to the young lady - the thought of you makes me unhappy and uncomfortable. you should text me some time. 

to the provider of bad advice - if you decide you want to talk to me about this whole situation and how much seething anger I harbor towards you, i can handle it. however, i will be mean, irrational, and incredibly surprised when we talk (not in that order exactly). call only if you do not care much about your opinion of me and can accept the full weight of my utter regret for having ever trusted you.

This marks the end of the first blog that will absolutely make some people uncomfortable. Consider, in your discomfort, that this is only my way of siphoning off some of the baggage in my mind in a constructive way. If that consideration offers you no solace, you can kick me, it's whatever.

Sorry

Sincerely yours,

Carl Teachey