With what level of emotion am I supposed to react to the news of Mr. Person's suicide? This question has plagued me to the point of insomnia tonight, and will most certainly interrupt the sleep of many others who knew him. With regards to the situation surrounding his death, I know far too little to even offer an opinion as to Mr. Person's guilt or innocence. Also, I choose, at this time, to avoid considering the events that transpired over the last 5 months. Honestly, if offers me no solace to try and justify what happened by incriminating a dead man. I will say now to anyone who reads this : yes, Mr. Person Killed himself - yes, it was tragic - and yes, it was most likely a direct result of the ongoing investigation involving Mr. Person. This was neither accidental, nor homicide, and I refuse to convince myself that seeing his death as anything besides what it truly was can help me deal with it.
Luckily, I was not terribly close to Mr. Person, and I do not intend on this post making it seem as though I am trying to suddenly decide I loved the man. However, I know there are several out there who had become close to him throughout our schooling careers. To those who saw Mr. Person as a mentor, guide, and friend, you have my unending condolences. The hurt you are experiencing is certainly more than I can pretend to know. I'm so sorry.
As for me, the news found me about 3 hours ago via facebook message and I was completely caught off guard. For some unknown reason, the news of the death of a man that I barely knew has knocked me into one of my introspective moods (that, oddly enough ALWAYS yields writing). I am sitting here writing with no specific end in mind, no goal, no conclusion to the narrative, no point to punctuate my argument. I just feel that what is inside me right now needs to come out. I hope you like it.
Last week a warm front came through. One afternoon, I was walking from D. Rich in the center of campus to the admissions office at the edge of campus. I have made this walk many many times since I've been here, but on that particular day, the walk was special. The front had brought in warm, fresh air. The wind had kicked up, but, despite the near constant ripping of wind across academic circle, the campus had come alive. All about the courtyard within academic circle, there was activity. Guys throwin a football, that cute cheerleader and her boyfriend sitting in the grass, people leaving class content with simply being outside. With the arrival of the new atmosphere Campbell had finally exhaled. It was rich with life, with activity. This hit me like a ton of bricks as I continued my walk. I was actively realizing that a change had come. As ridiculous as it my seem, my heart swelled. With the assistance of little more than some sun and wind, my outlook on this place, my fellow students, this town, the world around me had changed drastically. It should be noted that I vehemently hate the winter, and may have been so happy simply because of my respite from the cold. This weather lasted for several days. I smiled a lot, and reflected on how it made feel that I had spent my first winter away from the place where I was born. I had made it. At the time, I didn't post any blog entries. I wanted with every inch of my being to grab my laptop and shout in print that I was infatuated with life and love and school, and ATP synthase, and parties that I can't remember and english papers, and all else that college life had supplied me with... but I didnt. Apparently, I dont write in times of prosperity(read: when I'm happy).
Today, I walked from my dorm to my cell bio class and nearly froze. I begrudgingly slid on my coat before leaving and was adequately prepared for what awaited me outside; however, no coat could have warmed my mood. I had become nothing short of furious at nature for the dirty trick she had pulled by taking from us the warmth. So quickly, Campbell's deep breath of renewal had changed to the congested cough of a long winter. I am aware that being angry at terrestrial weather patterns is utterly silly; however, I feel that the abrupt introduction of so much cold parallels the sudden news of a death. When life was permeated with warmth and joy, it was easy to sleep soundly and deeply, but it perplexes me to this day how we are expected as living beings to be able to constantly weather the shitty seasons of our lives and rest as usual. Maybe that's the great goal of existence, to somehow master the ability of moving on, to no longer feel the need to respond to bad news with pain and sorrow and to repeat the cycle as many times as the world forces us to. If this is in fact our mission, I am long from the end....and truthfully, I doubt many are farther ahead.
It's apparently 21 degrees outside and pitch black.
This is one of those times when you just gotta realize how much good there still is in your life and how much awesome shit you miss all the time. Taking for granted good friends and loved ones is surely a crime that you pay for when they are lost and I'm sure there are many now who will spend the next few days assessing the friendship that died with Mr. Person. I have been lucky enough to never lose anyone close to me, but i am not naive enough to tell myself that it wont happen in the near future. All I can do is love those around me with all I have and hope that our time together is long.
If anyone clicked on this post expecting some hilarious anecdote or some more of my trademark over analyzation, I'm sorry. I feel like nine kinds of shit...and I just wanted to get some words down. Tomorrow I'm taking a practice PCAT in the morning, and then I'm going to Wilmington to be with the friends I love. As far as timing goes...I couldn't have been much better. We all need this.
I'm gonna try to write more, and possibly avoid writing only when I'm upset over something. Thanks for listening though, I really appreciate it.
RIP Mr. Person.
maybe Wilmington is warmer,
Carl Teachey
